Music

i cant even begin to explain music. its just music. like how can i relate to something on such a level as music? i seriosuly thank God, because thats one of the best things he's eveer created.

i leave for New York on friday morning. i am so so so excited. im staying for 9 days and its purely gonna be just get away time. sometimes you just gotta dissapeer. oh how i love dissapeering. im not sure how much my friends can depend on me since im always in and out. but its the best thing for me. since Hume i have been learning and growing soo much. my love for God is just growing growing growing.. and ive become aware, independant, and just finding out more and more of who i am. i no longer need that one guy that keeps stringing me along, or those friends that are in it for superficial needs. im not in it to be fake. only real real real...

Hume/Summer/Life

its kinda funny how when once in your life you feel it might start coming together again, it falls even more apart. but its life and you must love it anyway...

i was so excited for Hume, like amazingly estatic and it was comepletely different then i imagined. the first two days were a dream. everything ran smoothly, canooing, love, nights on the lake with good conversations, friends, God, i thought i had it made... then reality hit.

going back to your ex is a familiar concept for me, considering boyfriends of mine have done that twice now. i mean i dont understand, i hate feeling like im second best, let me tell you, its not a good feeling.  i didnt and still dont understan why God did that to me, or allowed it to happen, but now i fully accept it. 

going through that gave me the most discontent feeling ive ever had in my life. it was like i new something was wrong and something didnt quite fit but i couldnt put my finger on what and feeling like that was hell. maybe thats why i cried every single night and never felt like i was making progress. 

i was so frusterated that "my" first Hume trip was going so terrible that i didnt get to fully understand what was going on around me. God was doing what i asked, its still hard to believe but i really think he made me stronger and more aware. i learned so much about my flaws its rediculous. i cant think that just because i dont do terrible things that some people do doesn't mean i'm perfect and right with God. i learned that i'll never be perfect and i'll always have things that i need to work on. but the biggest thing i learned was that i have to wait.

when i was feeling like hell and didnt know what was wrong with me i was expecting God to come up to me, tell me exactly what was wrong with me, and then tell me how to get out of it. thats not what happened at all.  i was so frusterated with God because i felt liek he wasnt there, he wasnt doing what i asked of him. then i talked to my biblestudy leader nicole and she knew exactly what to say to me. she told me that sometimes God is going to tell me just to wait, that i cant always get the answers. i cant rely on my own strength to figure out what to do because i would just ruin it even more...

all i wanted to do was to just talk to everyone and fix problems so there was no tension and everyone liked me, but thats not the way it was supposed to work out and i had to realize it. it was so hard for me, to humble myself down, to be vulnerable and weak and just wait... it was one if the hardest things ive had to learn and im still not even close to learning it, but now i atleast know what i have to do..

anyways, well i guess ive fixed some issues but its still very complicated. and i guess thats where the waiting comes in. i will learn it in time, and until then i will just live my life and not be hurt by mixed messages...

on a completely different note...

today i have been cleaning/ reorganizing my room since 10 this morning and it is now 10:30. geesh i know.  but by cleaning my room, i accomplished way more than just a ridiculously organized room. i learned that i cant let go or my childhood, just yet. i went through all my passed notes with cassie in 5th grade and all my old diaries of when me and hannah were bestfriends and there was nothing better to do in life then do karate, goto Awanas, collect hair ribbons, and make up dances for our band "limited". or in 5th grade when me and mathew piper were in love and i used to wear his watch when i was on vacation and then when i broke his heart and quote he had very many "sleepless nights". i remember those days so well... i wish i was still there.. unbroken, pure, innocent, naive, and un worrisome. its crazy how when your little you would KILL to be older and now that your there, you just wish you could go back to the days where you had nothing to worry about other than your fourth grade enemy who hugs your ex lover. (yes, that was really in my diary) anyways... i need to have time away from my laptop and phone and ipod and just be a kid.. like read this awesome mermaid fairytale book i found, or color, or make clay beads like i always used too... i feel like ive thrown up on everyone who read this, i apologize, but these are my thoughts completely about everything in my life. goodnight.

it is so freakingly ridiculous how i let some of the small things make me angry or annoyed. like lauren what the heck. now im getting mad at myself, wonderful. i need to grow up and understand that its okay if friends distance.. how can i be mad at them for distancing themselves from me if i've been doing the same? we have different dreams now, different ways of life. lauren, breathe, just breathe...

as im growing, im learning that i cant think in extremes. im very openminded and gray in some areas but when it comes to conflict or situations i always think black and white. its like gray isnt capable when after i think about it, i am very wrong. but im seeing that it needs to be changed so thats a first good step right?

i need to learn to just let go and chill. i cant please everyone, i cant do everything, some things are just meant to be the way they are. i cant change the people i like and why. i cant change that sometimes i make dumb mistakes and most likely end up getting hurt. i cant change my past relationships and how just one guy can completely break me. i cant change i cant change i cant change. well if i cant change that, then why am i trying? why am i trying to forget about these things and pretend like it never happened. will that help me get over it?

when something big happens in my life i store it away with encouraging thoughts and buzyness. i try to just forget about it and move on. but those things have molded me, they've made me who i am today, i cant forget where i came from.

i leave you with one last thing.
theres no such thing as perfection.

one original thing

its so crazy how someone and their views can change so suddenly. in a matter of a month someone can surprise you and leave you wondering if their the same person. its so crazy how i have changed too. im different, stronger maybe? i am so done with drama. everyone says that, its so cliche but i am so very serious. im showing my love to everyone, giving and taking. to those who arent deserving, i just walk away from. im done with the petty things of this life. i'm done with the idea that if you have a cell phone your good to go.  ugh im disgusted for how the people in this world are turning out, so self centered and closed minded. so formed exactly the same that when someone different comes along they dont know how to react. im dissapointed in people that let their selfishness get to them so they aren't able to enjoy the little things.  and those who are not appreciative of what God has given them. one original thing, please.