used?

Sometimes people like to dissapear. I, also love to escape and not talk to anyone for awhile. It can be good to give yourself some distance between you and people you love; there's a boundary to that though. I don't like when someone dissapears and doesn't come back.  the feeling of being used. I'm a real easy girl to get along with and i can make friends fast, so recently people have been using that against me. They become buddy-buddy with me but once they find what their looking for or something better, they just wipe the dust from their feet and walk away...

is it my fault for letting them come close to me, or theirs for using me? 

So.. what do you do? bring it up to them? Well when i do that, i seem like the clingy fool when all i wanna do is have a friend. i hate how it either has to be black or white. best friends or nothing at all. can't everyone just all get along? I can give space, i need space a lot to. But where does it cross the line?

This break is for learning and progression. I'm going to come back refreshed and ready to finish the year off strong with the people that mean the most to me <3

overwhelmed with the future, caught in the now.

chocolate cake and milk is lovely. quite lovely. but you know what's more lovely? friday starts spring break and i'm more than ready to get away. i need it. Life down here has gotten to selfish and worldly. i need to take a step back and reflect. even though it will be sad not seeing anyone for ten days (except anyone who is willing to take me to the beach :) ... I'm going to vegas, home for three days and then Palm springs. it will be good. I'm going to try to run, alot. i never thought i would miss cross country but i really do. i'm going to pray even more, and journal, and blog, and write songs, and read, and just reflect. When break ends, back to work. I'm starting to record the first songs for my album soon (real recording). And the end of freshman year, wow, what a great year. I'm overwhelmed with the future, done with the past, onto something more... :)

real

Sometimes routine and life drains you down. It's totally gotten me down recently. Dealing with people's imperfections can be hard, but learning to deal with them and get through it is one of the best lessons i am finally learning. I am not as close with my best friend (Jesus) as i want to be. I've been so busy and i haven't been putting in the effort. It's also been hard with other various distractions. But at least i know it's not the best and i want to fix it right?

Also, i am so completely done with fakeness. If you want to have a fake friendship, save the drama for me and for you. I hate not knowing who to trust because i never know whose in it for the real friendship. Theres a few (very few) people that i love and trust and their the ones i'm going to stick with. So i'm sorry if i'm not making the biggest effort to be your friend, i just don't need the fakeness. I'm not judging anyone i'm just saying how i feel. Theres a difference between showing love to everyone and being fake with people. Theres good in everyone though, and thats what im trying to focus on. 

I'm learning to love imperfections more, Jesus more, and my true friends more. Thats all i have to say.

x

show me what i'm looking for

Sometimes we get so caught up in a moment we forget about what is going on around us. I want to do everything for others and be selfless. i want to give everything away. i want to make music. I don't know what's in my future, but thats the fun part. living minute by minute, not knowing the life i'm leading. Sometimes i get really frustrated with people. but i'm sure they also get very frustrated with me. sit. wait. wish.

Happiness is Contagious

Blessings are coming and coming and coming. When i look at how much has happened this past year already, i could cry. Recently, i've been noticing how much i love surprises (maybe because Ceejay is super amazing and has been surprising me...a lot) but never the less, i love them. And i've realized how many little surprises God gives us each and every day... like today. I was walking to the lady who cuts my hair and on my way, two senior girls from my school were like "Hey! its hot, we can give you a ride!" (Keep in mind i have never met these girls) and so they gave me a ride to the house. How cool is that? i thought to myself... you know, when i can drive, im going to do that for someone because that was really sweet. It really shows how God gives us little "pick me up's" and surprises and also how happiness is contagious. it really is. so heres my challenge, do something nice, spread the love, and love the One who deserves it most :)

-im sorry if that made no sense. ive not been making sense lately.

Change

The things in my life are flying by. People are changing, priority's are changing, government is changing, and I am changing. I guess after awhile, we get sick of things, so we change them. This could be for the better or for worse. 

Recently, i've been on a crazy ride. This year, i have transformed. I'm no longer who i was and i am so happy about that. I'm leaving the past behind and fully putting all my energy into recovering and the future. Sometimes things just have to be gray. I won't always know everything and i need to learn to deal with that. My upbringing won't stop that. I'm determined. 

I need a family, a real one. One thats there for each other and loves each other. And now, i finally am taking a step to get it. I have the best Jesus in the world. I have the best dad in the world. I have the best siblings. i have the people who take the role of a mom. and i am content. I don't need a "group" anymore. Groups only try to make certainty out of uncertainty, it's for the insecure. I have friends and i have a boyfriend and i have my Jesus. Thats all i need, honestly. And lastly, i have my music. That puts all this craziness into one. It's the one thing that keeps me sain. It's my passion and i don't want to ever stop. 

I've become confident. I've learned to accept my ignorance and my selfishness and learn from it; i'm striving to overcome it with an amazing God who is helping me. I can't change my position or what i was born into or that i'm short or anything. It's how its meant to be. And i'm learning to accept that. Learning to be content is the best lesson i will ever learn. Or so i heard.

i don't mean to offend anyone. i hope whoever reads this will just accept my bluntness. Its all i have to offer.