moooooving

i am moving to word press :/ 

im gonna be honest, it is MUCH harder to use and i dont really like it, but my best friend has it so therefore it will make it much easier if we have the same kind of blog......

laurenmjohnson.wordpress.com

see you theree!

heyheyhey

"hey stephen. hey hey hey.

hey stephen i could think of 50 reasons why i should be the one you choose

all those other girls, well their beautiful.. but would they write a song for you?"

today is so sunny, i love it. last night was so windy. it was so fun running up hills, counting the cars, looking at the non exsistent stars, and being with great friends. i just need to enjoy what i have and live for the moment "dont analyze your blessings" . gosh that is so hard for me not to do though. i am suuuch an analyzer.

" Im not your princess, this ain't your fairytale."

"people are people and sometimes we change our minds"

so anyways. here goes to living for the moment. not planning for the future an not looking back. just sitting here, on my bed, talking to someone special, and letting the day flow as it is meant.

"and we know its never simple, never easy. never a clean break. and i cant breathe without you, but i have to"

p.s ^all the quotes are from the songs i was listening to when i wrote this..

is it possible?

is it possible for the unexpected to happen? is it possible for it to not be a joke? is love at first sight possible? i never thought it was, but have i contradicted myself? all these excited thoughts going through my head but to make sure i just need to wait. so excited for love, is this healthy? i wanna make sure i'm doing the right thing. i cant afford any more hurt right now. this is wierd. this is exciting. is this right? have i been missing this in all my past? maybe its just a feeling you get when you grow up. wow. this is really exciting.

:)

Fearless

listen to Fearless by taylor swift. believe in miracles. live for the unknown. good things come unexpectantly, thats what im figuring out. lovelovelove.

imperfectness and random thoughts on a sunny day.

"well i'm the icing, on the cake. i'm the secret ingrediant your missing... im the chance you chose, not to take"

her words. so amazing. i love Tristan Prettyman. she is so honest with her thoughts and they come out so nicely. if i'm ever able to write a song as good as hers i will be so happy. you know what ive realized? i've realized that we make life way more complicated then it needs or is supposed to be.  we are over analytical humans who tend to lose perspective from time to time. 

like last night. i really lost it. i do think that some of the the people were unnecessary but my focus shouldn't have been directed in that way. i should have put my head into focus onto what i was really there for. to have fun with my friends. 

i have realized that i really hate imperfectness. I HATE IT. i know i will learn though, sometimes.. hopefully, soon. 

also, i feel like theres marriage, couples, love in that way, and pda circling around me. everyones getting boyfriends, everyones getting married, everyone has found their prince charming, except me. maybe this is a little risky to write about on the internet knowing that anyone can read this but you know what? i dont care, im going to be real. i do not understand. i really dont. i know God has something planned for me so special that i cant even imagine, but why do i have to go through all this hurt to get to that? why cant there be just ONE person to prove that there not allll jerks. sorry if you think i'm being prejudiced but i've had a fair share of expieriences that i believe i can say that. 

Jesus loves me. Jesus wants me. Jesus is always with me. Jesus gives me peace. Jesus is my bestfriend. Jesus is my love. Jesus is enough. 

a time to help, a time to change

so recently i have been feeling really called to do charity work. its something i feel really strongly for and i have been praying and asking God to show me which path he wants me to go on. there's so many charities.. at first i really felt that God wanted me to do something on underage drinking because it is something that people i know already deal with and i want to spread awareness on the effects of it.  but there's also other things that i want to be apart of such as being involved at homeless shelters and helping with some sort of cancer... now i feel like God doesn't care what i do, i just have to do SOMETHING. i cant sit here and watch and feel bad for these people without actually doing something about it.  so ive done some research and this is what ive come up with..

* at The Orange County Rescue Mission, they are in urgent need of food, such as :

- cereals

- Macaroni and Cheese

- Pasta (all kinds)

- Cup of Noodles

- Peanut Butter

- Jelly

- Instant Mashed Potatoes

- Instant Rice

- Breakfast bars

- Sugar

- Coffee

these things are all very inexpensive and theres probably something that you might even have that you've just never used and probably wont. i think a food drive would be to much for me to put on by myself but i really want to get some of these things donated to them.. if you want to help of have any ideas, let me know!

secondly, i was at a schooling fundraiser today and they had a bunch of booths. i came across one called "The Joyful Foundation" and i really believe in what they do. they make fleece blankets for patients to use as their getting chemotherapy because i guess it gets really cold in the treatment room. they are in much need of volunteers though. they donate to many childrens centers.. they are only able to donate 50 blankets per month when the center needs 50 per day! that is a crazy goal to accomplish but it just makes me want to help them out even more.. They have blanket workshops on every 4th tuesday of the month from 6:30-9. Im going to try to make it to the next one, let me know if your interested!

www.joyfulfoundation.org

www.rescuemission.org

 

make a difference.

Change

i feel like im changing. and to me i feel its in a good way. but to other people i dont know if the like it so much. recently, ive been so much more oblivious and quite. and people are constantly asking me if im okay or if im being "pissy" or if im sad and its just like what the heck! i have no idea what im doing for people to think that. im just more quite because i think alot more now. i dont want all my thoughts and conversations to be so worldly. im perfectly at peace walking by myself sometimes, i dont need someone glued to my hip at every moment. its kinda funny actually, i dont know what has brought on this change. but i like it. and i think God does too. 

on past events.. things have been way confusing. but now its over, so i can just move on. i feel like whenever i move away from a situation, i have to look back. people say "dont look back" but how could i not? it was good while it lasted. i just want something new. i just need to wait. 

things keep changing. but God stays the same. the SAME. he never changes.. how reassuring that feels. 

today i think im going to sants monica. yes. and tommorrow ill be running in this thing called the dino dash..

oh, and i love everyone right now. i love you friends.

bugz

do you know what really bugs me? when girls make themselves TOO available. when they try to hard and it just keeps getting them hurt. it just like whhaat are you doing? are you oblivious to the fact that you are freaking him out? ive played the game quite a few times now and i am positive that a girl who acts like that wont come out of it very happy. play the game girls. 

on a less secular note..

today was a terrible day for uncountable reasons. things are always going to be good. sometimes bad things are bound to happen. its okay to cry, to be gloomy, to want to be a vegetable... to an extent. im learning to wear my emotions on my sleeve. i want to be real and people to see who i really am. but i need to be proactive. tommorrow will be a better day... maybe thats not so convincing but theres not very much else you can say to encourage yourself.

thats all.

filling my cup...

at the end of the day. the only one thats really there is God. wow how stupid would this life be without him. i'd probably kill myself by now. when you feel discouraged, hurt, discontent, hopeless.. let God guide your life. let him take the reigns and save you from all of that. you are his child and he wants to take care of you, let him. if your impatient, call on him. he'll be there, seriously. 

hey God,

i feel like my calling is somewhere in missions and charities, God lead the way and let me know where im supposed to go. take my impatient soul and calm it and fill it with your love and peace. show me that you love me and that im going on the right path, patiently teach me when im not. help me become the girl and women you want me to be. im not living on this Earth except you, help me live it.

forever yours, Lauren

i have no reason to feel discontent. yet, i still do. nothings perfect, get over it. why does is seem like every blog i write have to deal with imperfectness? why do i keep searching for iT!!! i feel to impatient to blog but i have to get things out somehow. wait. wait. wait.....

i really hate not knowing things. dont you wish you could just read someones mind??????

God may say wait, but he never says worry. 

from the inside out

hosanna. dont you love that song? dont you love the beauty of worship? ah i love it. i swear, i do not deserve this.  dont deserve Gods uncountable blessings. they just keep on coming and i'm so flabergasted and excited. last night i got asked to sing worship with Matt for the highschool group. i guess the other girl is not going to be able to do it anymore and he asked if i would like to take her spot! 

... just this week i have been super busy and doubting my music.. this was like Gods wake up call to me to not give up something that i truly love. im do excited to do worship every week.. its gonna be such another great adventure :)

im going to be late for school..

:D!

Humility

today i woke up refreshed and excited. i was excited to do well and finish my last cross country meet. this whole week i did very well and ran so much and today i knew it would be a good race. in the warm up i felt light on my toes and i didnt get tired and when we stretched, i streched every muscle thouroughly. i got mentally prepared for the face, focused, prayed with my team, and then we were off. 

i was doing so well for the first part of it. all of the faster girls were staying close to each other which made it more encouraging. the first hill was a breeze and i just worked on keeping a steady pace and steady breathing...

in my second mile, out of no where there was a jab in my ribs. it was like someone stuck a knife through it. i froze up. i couldn't move or breathe or anything. i had no idea what to do. i though how could i finish this race? i knew i couldn't give up yet though, i thought maybe it would just wear off if i kept running. so as slow as a snail, i trudged along and it didn't get better. it got so bad that i nearly collapsed. i thought i had broken my ribs. i saw one of the JV coaches up ahead so i went to her and tried to whisper out that i could barely breathe or talk. she encouraged me to continue and try to finish the race

everyone started passing me. i was sure that everyone i was running up against earlier had already finished. i was last in line trudging along and full of tears. i didnt get it. why does this one race has to be the bad one? why wouldn't my ribs stop hurting? it kept getting worse and worse. i was now going the speed of a slow walker, in running form. it was terrible and i was humiliated. everyone from all different highschools was cheering me on. i jsut wanted to scream at them "im a good runner, im supposed to be infront if them, just shut up!" but instead my eyes just kept filling with tears and i kept going. 

it was getting even worse. i knew that there was no way i could finish the race. whatever was wrong with me did not want me to run and i was just making it worse. i could barely see anything and i was hobbling. i knew that my coach would be up ahead and so i kept going until i saw her. 

i went up to her and stuttered what was happeneing to me. i told her that i was sorry but i couldnt finish the race.. so we walked to the finish line. she told me to take deep breaths and it worked.. in about 20 minutes my ribcage had loosened up. i though, was still not fixed.

i was so upset, frusterated and humiliated. this was supposed to be my best race. i was supposed to beat me score, get congratulated by my mom and then feel like a million bucks, but thats not what happened. 

im ususally the one that finishes early and then cheers for the slower people coming in. now, that was me, i was the slower person. i cant always be the fast girl. i cant always be the winner. this was so humbling because im so used to being good at what i do. and i dont mean that in a vain way but im just naturally athletic. in this situation though i had to go through what it was like for someone who isnt as athletically blessed as i am.

i dont think ive learned exactly what God wanted me to learn from this yet. i know i will sometime though. im still frusterated with myself but i know it will all work out...

theres my thoughts for today.

i hate complications. i just want everything to be perfect. i need to come to the realization that im living on EARTH. im so excited for life is unbelieveable. tommorrow is hopefully going to be amazing if there is no complications. what the heck am i saying. im like telling God that i will only have a good day if he does everything perfect! okay no, im going to stop. im going to not worry about the future and just wait and see how everything goes. i just need to pass my vocab test...

thoughts of 10-13-08 at 7:04 pm

i feel like i am learning and loving so much more these days. it's seem to all be coming together and sometimes that scares me. i had a really rough two years and now that things seem to be going right im scared that there bound to go wrong. i'm so used to everything working out wrong that i give up before i give something the chance to work out right. i'm becoming much more wiser then to do that, to give up. i'm determined not to. i'm so excited about so many things. im loving the company and family thats surrounding me right now. my great grandma is in town. she just sits all day and does things like 'her exercises" and my laundry. she hits and watches the sun and clouds. she is content. sometimes i envy that but then i realize that if i was idle and did nothing all day, everyday then i would go crazy. but see thats the beauty of it. she is content. she has lived a good life full of adventures and business. she now enjoys sitting and thinking and talking and living. what a simple concept. i wish we could all be content to easily...

our society depends on material items, people, entertainment, and for me, emotions to make them happy. when really we should depend on no one but God. he is the one that were looking for. he is the one that gives you joy in little things. he is the one that makes us content with little things. i want to be like that.. i want to simplify.

"The biggest thing ive learned in life is contentment. i dont need anything else in life. i am happy with whatever or wherever i am and i hope you can learn that someday..."

- Grandma Winnie

<3

love and learning

im learning and realizing so many new things recently. this makes me comes to the realization that im so lagnarent! or for those who aren't familiar with my language im "wisdomly unaware" im confusing hurt and heartache with love. how is that possible? well it is.  I've realized that in past relationships that didn't mean much to me, i ended up losing them because i didnt try. and it wasn't like i was purposefully trying not to try it just was that i didn't care. they weren't that important to me. i always thought that i didn't try because i was hurt and i was scared of getting hurt again and now i'm realizing that that is not the reason at all. meeting someone who is worth trying for made me realize that i wanted to try, i wanted this to work. i cared. it's crazy how God can not only turn bad things into good but he can also turn great things into a learning expierience also. i have realized so much in the last week and i am so greatful to my amazing God.  im so excited to see where this year is headed...

on a more shallow note... i got asked to homecoming! im very excited and knowing me, i already have my dress :) also, im going to palm springs tommorrow with my good handfull of friends that im SO excited about. we need some relaxation and girl time. i feel so blessed that God has made my friends situation, the best situation possible. my Calvary friends are getting along with my former hewes friends (now there all combined into one foothill group)  and i think its the best thing ever. im so excited for us all to be able to bond and have some fun in the sun....

loving loving loving loving :)))

everything is meaninglesss

i love ecclesiastes. i don't think i can even express my thank you's enough to whoever wrote that amazing book. it has taught me so much. it has opened up my mind and showed me how i was so lagnarent (my new word)...

God wants us to have love, he wants us to be happy in this short life of ours. He's not some huge king who says you have to only be with me all the time to be a good christian. he wants us to have friends, family, love. he's happy for you. this is such a simple concept but it means so much to me. its like how could i not have known this??!

i've spent alot of time healing and trying to find myself and learn to love God more. and i feel like ive come along way. im here and im happy with myself. i feel so blessed to be given this life.  i know that there will always be more pain and more suffering but for right now, i need to live for the moment and live in my peace and happiness.

time is so short, before you know it we'll all grow old and die. so we need to live this meaningless life right. if our life is meaningless then why do we spend so much time doing things that dont matter? its crazy. thats all i can say. i wanna hear your thoughts on this...

"Be happy young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you jot in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever you see, but know that for all these things God will bring you judgement. So then banish anxiety from you heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless."

Ecclesiastes 11 9-10

<3

day zero

tonight was so much fun. it was like the start of all the fun that highschool will bring :) day zero. it was a good girls night out and then we met up with our guy friends which was fun. they had like everything there no joke. henna artist, photobooth, soo much candy, a band, a bunch of games and like waay much more. this weekend is gonna be soo much fun. tommorrow were going to tillers and hopefully meeting up with alot of people. i love how when your young you just get to go out and have fun. i was thinking about it today and i've realized that my mom has no fun. her friday nights consist of making macaroni and cheese and hanging out with my brothers. she has no fun anymore. so im determined that while im young, im gonna have the time of my life :)))))

people and situations

sometimes this just happen in bad timing. its not like your purposefully mean things to turn out bad but just sometimes not everyone can be happy. this year i promised myself that i wasn't going to settle and i intend to keep to that. 

sometimes i find myself getting into the habits and into doing what everybody else is doing that and i hate that. its human nature for us to get into earthly ways but why? i don't wanna be a robot, why do you?

like coffee. i have been making coffee everyday recently but today i decided ehhh lets try some tea. we need options, we cant be tied down to anything. 

music always stays the same though. Joshua Radin is my new favorite... his songs are so smooth and wonderful..

"i need to be old and jump into the cold water"

"i'd rather be with you, say you want the same thing too"

ahh yes :)

well this was my early morning blog, im off o drink more tea, get ready and head off to 0 period. 

be real be authentic be true be YOU

my first show. ever.

tonight is making history for me. im playing my first show ever and i dont think anyone can explain me exctiement/nervousness. im 14. im a freshman. and im making money to sing???? it blows me away how thankful i am to have this opportunity. so thankyou. thankyou. thankyou.

:)))

so i said i would update this soon so here it is...

school is great, friends are great, God is awesome, and life is great. things seem to be winding down and coming into place. ive met and reconnected with alot more people since high school started. i love going to school and seeing everybody. it makes me happy. my english teacher make me happy too. shes always so excited about every assignment we do its hilarious. also, my spanish teacher. she brings out her guitar nearly everyday and sings to us. me ofcourse, always sing and dance along... im not wierd at all...

also, homecoming is coming up... how exciting!

jkvdfkjbvdfgbjkfjkbfgjkbdvbdfkjghdrgjh

highschool dances are like what every girl dreams of ever since shes little. i cant expect to much out of it though. ahhhhhh lyfe.

music's going good. i still need to e-mail back The Ugly Mug. im just so busy. grrr. when i do play there though, COME.

im reading the best book ever. Twilight.  i cant even describe it. read it. now. ookay.

i feel like ive written about everything thats happeneing in my life. not the way i feel about it. but thats okay... im tired and i want to read...

xxx

homecoming game

i have absolutley no time to write. i need to take a show, get ready, then head to a party and then homecoming game. i love life. my love for it is gorwing and growing and growing... more to come...

heating up, summers over.

i feel like i have been toO trusting. isnt that always the case? i want to think that everyone is perfect and that no one will let me down. i wanna believe that you can actually have true friends, but at the end of the day, all whos left by me is God. and how amazing he is though, he will never leave your side..

but then again i do want some human companions that are true and genuine. i want people to take me how i am, i dont always do that, but im trying really hard.. i also feel like ive wasted time with people that i new deep down would never work. yeah maybe we had a great friendship and good times, but in the end, something was off.

i also dont want to be to cruel though, because i seem to always jump to conclusions, with everything. thats a major flaw of mine. so sometimes if a person does something it makes me automatically think that we shouldn't be friends. and gosh i hate that about myself. why do i have to be so cynical?

people have been letting me down, hurting me, and going on with their lives like it doesnt affect me at all. maybe my songs can be a little too honest but atleast im sharing what i feel instead of being fake about it. i can admit that i have problems, they come out through my songs. so the fact that someone is offended with reality, with what actually happened i dont get. maybe its just because their in denial. maybe they dont want to remember the past, they want to forget about it, and me.

i thought highschool would be tough in knowing who to talk to and who to keep away from but maybe it wont be as hard as i think. maybe the anger inside of me will speak for itself. its a huge school, they'll have plenty people to talk to. and i wont be one of them.

the only way to believe in the reality but also to move on, i will stay away. no more going back, no more guilt trips. im a full believer in what goes around comes around and i do think that time will tell.

i have the friends who have always been there, even if who they are surprised me. i need to learn imperfection. i need to learn to like it, because at this moment, its my worst enemy.

i need to go into highschool, confident in who i am as a person and let that shine. people who dont accept what i have to offer is fine, but i'd like to surround myself with people who do.

O N L Y G O D I S C O N S T A N T

Music

i cant even begin to explain music. its just music. like how can i relate to something on such a level as music? i seriosuly thank God, because thats one of the best things he's eveer created.

i leave for New York on friday morning. i am so so so excited. im staying for 9 days and its purely gonna be just get away time. sometimes you just gotta dissapeer. oh how i love dissapeering. im not sure how much my friends can depend on me since im always in and out. but its the best thing for me. since Hume i have been learning and growing soo much. my love for God is just growing growing growing.. and ive become aware, independant, and just finding out more and more of who i am. i no longer need that one guy that keeps stringing me along, or those friends that are in it for superficial needs. im not in it to be fake. only real real real...

Hume/Summer/Life

its kinda funny how when once in your life you feel it might start coming together again, it falls even more apart. but its life and you must love it anyway...

i was so excited for Hume, like amazingly estatic and it was comepletely different then i imagined. the first two days were a dream. everything ran smoothly, canooing, love, nights on the lake with good conversations, friends, God, i thought i had it made... then reality hit.

going back to your ex is a familiar concept for me, considering boyfriends of mine have done that twice now. i mean i dont understand, i hate feeling like im second best, let me tell you, its not a good feeling.  i didnt and still dont understan why God did that to me, or allowed it to happen, but now i fully accept it. 

going through that gave me the most discontent feeling ive ever had in my life. it was like i new something was wrong and something didnt quite fit but i couldnt put my finger on what and feeling like that was hell. maybe thats why i cried every single night and never felt like i was making progress. 

i was so frusterated that "my" first Hume trip was going so terrible that i didnt get to fully understand what was going on around me. God was doing what i asked, its still hard to believe but i really think he made me stronger and more aware. i learned so much about my flaws its rediculous. i cant think that just because i dont do terrible things that some people do doesn't mean i'm perfect and right with God. i learned that i'll never be perfect and i'll always have things that i need to work on. but the biggest thing i learned was that i have to wait.

when i was feeling like hell and didnt know what was wrong with me i was expecting God to come up to me, tell me exactly what was wrong with me, and then tell me how to get out of it. thats not what happened at all.  i was so frusterated with God because i felt liek he wasnt there, he wasnt doing what i asked of him. then i talked to my biblestudy leader nicole and she knew exactly what to say to me. she told me that sometimes God is going to tell me just to wait, that i cant always get the answers. i cant rely on my own strength to figure out what to do because i would just ruin it even more...

all i wanted to do was to just talk to everyone and fix problems so there was no tension and everyone liked me, but thats not the way it was supposed to work out and i had to realize it. it was so hard for me, to humble myself down, to be vulnerable and weak and just wait... it was one if the hardest things ive had to learn and im still not even close to learning it, but now i atleast know what i have to do..

anyways, well i guess ive fixed some issues but its still very complicated. and i guess thats where the waiting comes in. i will learn it in time, and until then i will just live my life and not be hurt by mixed messages...

on a completely different note...

today i have been cleaning/ reorganizing my room since 10 this morning and it is now 10:30. geesh i know.  but by cleaning my room, i accomplished way more than just a ridiculously organized room. i learned that i cant let go or my childhood, just yet. i went through all my passed notes with cassie in 5th grade and all my old diaries of when me and hannah were bestfriends and there was nothing better to do in life then do karate, goto Awanas, collect hair ribbons, and make up dances for our band "limited". or in 5th grade when me and mathew piper were in love and i used to wear his watch when i was on vacation and then when i broke his heart and quote he had very many "sleepless nights". i remember those days so well... i wish i was still there.. unbroken, pure, innocent, naive, and un worrisome. its crazy how when your little you would KILL to be older and now that your there, you just wish you could go back to the days where you had nothing to worry about other than your fourth grade enemy who hugs your ex lover. (yes, that was really in my diary) anyways... i need to have time away from my laptop and phone and ipod and just be a kid.. like read this awesome mermaid fairytale book i found, or color, or make clay beads like i always used too... i feel like ive thrown up on everyone who read this, i apologize, but these are my thoughts completely about everything in my life. goodnight.

it is so freakingly ridiculous how i let some of the small things make me angry or annoyed. like lauren what the heck. now im getting mad at myself, wonderful. i need to grow up and understand that its okay if friends distance.. how can i be mad at them for distancing themselves from me if i've been doing the same? we have different dreams now, different ways of life. lauren, breathe, just breathe...

as im growing, im learning that i cant think in extremes. im very openminded and gray in some areas but when it comes to conflict or situations i always think black and white. its like gray isnt capable when after i think about it, i am very wrong. but im seeing that it needs to be changed so thats a first good step right?

i need to learn to just let go and chill. i cant please everyone, i cant do everything, some things are just meant to be the way they are. i cant change the people i like and why. i cant change that sometimes i make dumb mistakes and most likely end up getting hurt. i cant change my past relationships and how just one guy can completely break me. i cant change i cant change i cant change. well if i cant change that, then why am i trying? why am i trying to forget about these things and pretend like it never happened. will that help me get over it?

when something big happens in my life i store it away with encouraging thoughts and buzyness. i try to just forget about it and move on. but those things have molded me, they've made me who i am today, i cant forget where i came from.

i leave you with one last thing.
theres no such thing as perfection.

one original thing

its so crazy how someone and their views can change so suddenly. in a matter of a month someone can surprise you and leave you wondering if their the same person. its so crazy how i have changed too. im different, stronger maybe? i am so done with drama. everyone says that, its so cliche but i am so very serious. im showing my love to everyone, giving and taking. to those who arent deserving, i just walk away from. im done with the petty things of this life. i'm done with the idea that if you have a cell phone your good to go.  ugh im disgusted for how the people in this world are turning out, so self centered and closed minded. so formed exactly the same that when someone different comes along they dont know how to react. im dissapointed in people that let their selfishness get to them so they aren't able to enjoy the little things.  and those who are not appreciative of what God has given them. one original thing, please.

summmer

its finally here. i have been waiting for summer for months now, and i can finally feel it. im free. im so excited to see the adventure i have in store for me. summer, highschool, and so many more things that will be entering in my life. i am truly blessed to be where i am right now. i have the most amazing people in my life and just seeing Gods grace and guidence in my life is just awesome. i cant wait to see what this summer has in store for me. im not gonna use this 2 month break to be a party break. im gonna slow down, and let my heart heal. 8th grade has been the best year yet, so now i need to prepare myself for highschool and all that will come. this summer is about getting healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally and the only way im gonna do that is to just relax and get my prioritys straight. so here goes summer.

dissapointment

you know, it really sucks when people change. to think of them so highly and then so lowly in such a short amount of time. its one of the worst things that can happen to a relationship. it seems like i keep being dissapointed over and over again. when will this stop? well the truth is, it will never stop. people will make mistakes, were humans thats what we do. and we will make them over and over again and were just gonna get more dissapointed. and i guess that helps us learn lessons. but being dissapointed abundantly has also made me lose heart. sometimes i feel so broken and its just tearing up my heart. i need time alone, a time to heal and rejuvinate. i need to put the pieces of my heart back together, and summer is the best time to do it. time to relax, time to do and see no one. time to go on vacations in the mountains or across the united states. and that time is almost here. i thank God. he knows what i need and he continues to supply it..

love

C. S. Lewis once wrote:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your hear will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sureof keeping it itact, you must give your hear to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is hell.

dang. my mom should have shown me this sooner. now its to late. how do you know who to give your heart out to? how do you know who to trust? i thought i was careful, but now im not so sure. i need to give up on relationships because there only hurting me... here comes the next nun.

A day of peace

so last night i had an epiphany that i overwork myself. you see im sick and i havent really given myself anytime to rest and get over my sickness. its been all work work work, homework, school, friends, boyfriend and not really any lauren time. so last night i decided that i would stay home from school today to take care of myself. the only problem with this is, i have lots of homework and cleaning to do. so instead of a me day its gonna be more of a "catching up" day. either way hopefully it will be somewhat more relaxing then school.

2nd thing. i was saving up for a holga, but now my phone charger and phone is broken, so instead im saving up for a phone. poop.

promotion is soon. still gotta get shoes and make hair appointment. im so so so excited though.

i better finish eating and start some more homework. poooooooop.

gloomy day

its hard sometimes. trying to deal with everything going on around you. once you finally have a good day and content in what Gods doing with your life, satan creeps right up and tries to take that away. he will do whatever he can to get you unhappy and alot of the times it works.

lately, i feel like ive been burned by so many people. how am i supposed to know who to trust and who to be vulnerable with. its like the moment you think your getting closer to a person they go and bite you in the butt and thats hard to deal with.

i feel like people judge me. they say im doing wrong but they do the same thing. they dont know me, they dont know the story. i feel like i have to keep proving myself to people to let them know that their believing lies and thats not how it should be. i need to just rest. lie low and focus on the things and people i love. and let God fix the rest. amen.

look at something you love

its sunny today, mothers day tommorrow, surprise birthday party today, got the world on my side. todays been really relaxful. i got up around 8ish from the sound of a goodmorning text message, it made me happy but then i realized that i was to tired to keep texting so i went back to sleep. i woke up at 10:30 to a body so sore. i thought i was paralized. i guess thats what you get from three hours of pe testing. finally got up and stumbled upon some old scrabooks of my moms. it was crazy, i never knew she could take good pictures. they were of europe and mountains and just of all things beautiful in life and then i happened to stumble upon some other great pictures that just really inspired me. im saving up for a Holga, hopefully i have the patience too. but for now i leave you with the pictures that inspired me and maybe the might inspire you? or if pictures arent your thing, look at something you love today, its a beautiful day so go outside and take a walk and breathe and live..