i was so excited for Hume, like amazingly estatic and it was comepletely different then i imagined. the first two days were a dream. everything ran smoothly, canooing, love, nights on the lake with good conversations, friends, God, i thought i had it made... then reality hit.
going back to your ex is a familiar concept for me, considering boyfriends of mine have done that twice now. i mean i dont understand, i hate feeling like im second best, let me tell you, its not a good feeling. i didnt and still dont understan why God did that to me, or allowed it to happen, but now i fully accept it.
going through that gave me the most discontent feeling ive ever had in my life. it was like i new something was wrong and something didnt quite fit but i couldnt put my finger on what and feeling like that was hell. maybe thats why i cried every single night and never felt like i was making progress.
i was so frusterated that "my" first Hume trip was going so terrible that i didnt get to fully understand what was going on around me. God was doing what i asked, its still hard to believe but i really think he made me stronger and more aware. i learned so much about my flaws its rediculous. i cant think that just because i dont do terrible things that some people do doesn't mean i'm perfect and right with God. i learned that i'll never be perfect and i'll always have things that i need to work on. but the biggest thing i learned was that i have to wait.
when i was feeling like hell and didnt know what was wrong with me i was expecting God to come up to me, tell me exactly what was wrong with me, and then tell me how to get out of it. thats not what happened at all. i was so frusterated with God because i felt liek he wasnt there, he wasnt doing what i asked of him. then i talked to my biblestudy leader nicole and she knew exactly what to say to me. she told me that sometimes God is going to tell me just to wait, that i cant always get the answers. i cant rely on my own strength to figure out what to do because i would just ruin it even more...
all i wanted to do was to just talk to everyone and fix problems so there was no tension and everyone liked me, but thats not the way it was supposed to work out and i had to realize it. it was so hard for me, to humble myself down, to be vulnerable and weak and just wait... it was one if the hardest things ive had to learn and im still not even close to learning it, but now i atleast know what i have to do..
anyways, well i guess ive fixed some issues but its still very complicated. and i guess thats where the waiting comes in. i will learn it in time, and until then i will just live my life and not be hurt by mixed messages...
on a completely different note...
today i have been cleaning/ reorganizing my room since 10 this morning and it is now 10:30. geesh i know. but by cleaning my room, i accomplished way more than just a ridiculously organized room. i learned that i cant let go or my childhood, just yet. i went through all my passed notes with cassie in 5th grade and all my old diaries of when me and hannah were bestfriends and there was nothing better to do in life then do karate, goto Awanas, collect hair ribbons, and make up dances for our band "limited". or in 5th grade when me and mathew piper were in love and i used to wear his watch when i was on vacation and then when i broke his heart and quote he had very many "sleepless nights". i remember those days so well... i wish i was still there.. unbroken, pure, innocent, naive, and un worrisome. its crazy how when your little you would KILL to be older and now that your there, you just wish you could go back to the days where you had nothing to worry about other than your fourth grade enemy who hugs your ex lover. (yes, that was really in my diary) anyways... i need to have time away from my laptop and phone and ipod and just be a kid.. like read this awesome mermaid fairytale book i found, or color, or make clay beads like i always used too... i feel like ive thrown up on everyone who read this, i apologize, but these are my thoughts completely about everything in my life. goodnight.
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