Friends here, friends there, friends everywhere

Wow. Well these last few days have been such a blur. I love London! The people here are so nice and even if they aren't trying to be nice, their accent makes them sound nice! We've met so many cool people here, i have at least five new friends. The ones we got closest too were these two boys from australia...

You know when you make awkward eye contact from someone across the room and then end up talking and then becoming best friends? It was sort of one of those moments. :) Me and my mom were on an all day tour bus going to Windsor Palace, Stonehenge, and Bathe England when we met them. I'm not sure how but my mom just started talking to these two young boys, Michael and Nathan. They've been mates since they were little and are just now starting to travel around europe. On all the stops in our tour we would just hang out with them and i guess after spending 8 hours of your day with someone you barely knew, you get close. They invited me to hang out with them all day the next day so i did and it was a blast! It was good spending time with people who were closer in age to me, we related more. Michael is 24 and Nathan is 22. They also brought their friend along, hannah who was so sweet. We became close as well.

They left this morning to go to Ireland for New Year's. Nathan is coming out to L.A later this year though and he is going to stay with us! Good bye's are weird for me though. It's funny how the soul keeps no time. You could know someone for a day or a year and still have a connection with them. Who knows, i could never see them again and they could end up being a big part of my life, time will tell.

Today we met a family from Greece! There are two girls close to my age who barely know english but we exchanged facebook information anyway :). We met them while we were on the Thames river, touring the city one last time. They even invited us to come stay with them if we ever come to Greece! I think it's great how you can meet someone and find at least one common interest with them. It's like we all are connected and have a common thread in some way, even if you live on the other side of the globe.

Those are my thoughts for today. Tonight we are seeing Les Miserables and then heading to Trafalgar Square for New Year's! I can't wait to see whats in store for me this upcoming year. :)

x

Pictures on Facebook :)

I added all the pictures i have taken on the trip on my Facebook. Well not all, but most of the better ones. I can't write more for now. But more adventures will be shared tomorrow!

http://www.facebook.com/laurennzzski?ref=profile

London!

We're in a place they speak our same language! Yes! I'm very excited to be in London and have very high expectations for it. Some of my family on my dads side is from England so i have grown up with english breakfast tea, yorkshire puddings, and Cadbury chocolate! The style and vibe isn't as great as Paris but it's still more unique than our conservative style in Orange County. Our hotel is in the best location. It's not even a block away from Trafalgar Square! My goals while were here is to have a tea party, goto The Water Rats (A cute coffee shop that plays local indie bands), walk through Hyde Park, take lots of pictures, try to avoid as many history museums as possible, and see Stonehenge! I'll actually be seeing Stonehenge tomorrow. We're taking a bus tour to Windsor Palace, roman baths, and Stonehenge. I love being on buses or trains because i get to sleep! I have been so tired this whole trip. I still don't think i'm fully on european time.

Our new hotel is in a good location but hardly as nice as our quaint, eclectic, Paris one. The beds are little, the tv is small, and the breakfast here is "cold continental"... whatever that means. We will be here less then we were in Paris though so i guess it doesn't matter much.

My internet connection is much better here so the photos are uploading faster! Here are some that i took our last days in Paris. If your wondering who the random blonde is, she's one of our friends from Arizona that we met!

Goodbye Paris... Hello London!

I'm sitting here in the lobby of our quaint little hotel, watching the people pass by. Paris never sleeps! I'm sad to say that i will be leaving tomorrow. I will miss the amazing style, culture, crepes, and vibes. I hope i can come back some day and stay for a longer period of time...

Today i slept till one in the afternoon! I was so unbelievably tired. I have no idea how the people here do it... we walk like five miles a day! My feet hurt, my back hurts, i feel like an old lady!

My christmas was good but very odd. I missed everyone back home and the things i normally do on Christmas. It was sad knowing i was so far away from the people i loved the most. It just felt like an ordinary day and that made me sad. I can't wait to come home even though i still have a week left!

Londons next. We're taking the English Chunnel tomorrow morning. The same one that broke down last week... cross your fingers for us! I'm excited to go somewhere that actually speaks our language. I'm tired of getting weird looks after i mispronounce a street or french word i'm trying to learn. I told my mom that i absolutely needed to do one thing in London, have a tea party! I love english food: fish and chips, yorkshire pudding, english breakfast tea, and Nutella!

Regarding pictures... It takes so incredibly long to upload them here. I have so many i want to post! Hopefully it will be better in London and i'll keep trying to post a few here or there. I will also try to put them on Facebook.

I hope everyone had a great christmas!

Pictures!

New Friends, a Bottle of Wine, and Christmas eve...

Hello! Sorry for the lack of blogs the last couple of days. It's been such a whirl wind. I am exhausted! We've been all over the town and my ankles hurt like crazy. Tomorrow is Christmas and nothing will be open, therefore it is our resting, sleeping, strolling day. Finally. We went to Versailles today. It's not one of my favorites but it was good to see. I have loved just strolling around boutique-y areas and dining at little bistros. My mom on the other hand, wants to hit every museum available on her museum card. There has been some tension there. We got some good shopping in today but everything is so much more museum! I've also noticed that a lot of the clothes and jewelry are cheap and not worth much at all. Maybe we'll have better luck in London.

We've met some friends! They are in the room right next to us and there're these two older ladies ditching their families for Christmas to have a "girls trip"... kinda like us! They invited us down for some wine tonight, it was fun. We had really good conversations :)

I want to sleep. Tomorrow i will have a more extensive blog... its taking too long for my pictures to upload :( i will upload a bunch soon!

Paris Adventure Day 1

Today was quite a day! I love being here, theres excitement everywhere and people have been very friendly to us (unlike what i have heard about French people). Our hotel could not be in a better place, its not in a touristy area but surrounded by so many popular local boutiques, cafe's, and restaurants. I feel like i am a part of their culture, not just another person buying an "I Love Paris" shirt. Today was MUCH colder though. I was shivering like no other until i bought a huge thick scarf and hat that covered my chilly ears :). We saw the Notre Dam Cathedral and shopped around. I need to start taking more pictures but with it being so cold, its a hassle to take out my big camera! I will take more tommorrow though... We are going to the Louve and Modern Art museum.

About the food... Lunch today wasn't the best because we were in a very touristy area and the restaurants down there aren't as good and more expensive. ( I guess they try to take advantage of the tourist's ignorance.) My vegetable soup had no vegetables and my moms french onion had no onions! But dinner quickly made up for that.... CHOCOLATE CREPES!!! Man, they it was unbelievable. I'm pretty sure the chocolate was just nutella but that doesn't matter, it was made just perfectly. I think i will be having one every meal. We also went to a local bakery and got more chocolate :) The bakery's have pretty reasonable prices, unlike the restaurants and everything else. I feel like everything is double the price then it would be at home. I wanted to buy more Uggs but they were 400 dollars! The same ones are 160 at home...

But nonetheless, I'm super stoked to be here. My moms reading more Paris books as i type. She's trying to find the best places to go tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the modern art museum, cafe' sitting- people watching, taking pictures, and shopping!

x,

L

Finally in Paris... but it took awhile to get there...

Hello from Paris! I can't believe i am FINALLY here.. its been a long two days...

Well, i guess i'll start here... About thirty minutes after i posted my first blog about the trip we got a call saying that our flight from Arizona to Philadelphia was cancelled due to the big blizzard going on there right now. (We were originally going from OC to Arizona to Philly to Paris) We kinda freaked out. We were literally on three phones and two different computers at the same time trying to get a new flight or change our flight or anything that might work. After about two hours of wrestling with different airlines, my mom got us flights that went from Orange County to Vegas and then from Vegas to Pittsburg... Well that would leave us in Pittsburg but we needed to be in Philadelphia but nine on sunday night. Soooo... once we got to Pittsburg we rented a car and drove 6 hours to Philly the next day. It was long. Too long. But, it doesn't end there...

Once we got the airport in Philly, we were informed that our flight might be cancelled or delayed very late. Great. At this point, our family was just telling us to give up because everything was way too complicated, but we didn't. Our plane left Philadelphia 6 hours after the appointed time...

But, long story short, we are HERE! Paris, France. It's two degrees. TWO. It's definitely freezing. We got here when it was already dark so we didn't get to see much but we did goto a lovely dinner down the street from out hotel. I felt like i needed to be on my best behavior because i kept getting strange looks from people... I wonder what i was doing wrong?

Anyways, i am completely exhausted. Tomorrow we'll be on a bus touring the city and hopefully some shopping! For now, i leave you with these... the first one is our super cute hotel room, its themed pink and brown! The second one is our view...:) The third one is my mom standing in front of our snowy rental car... driving in the snow is not fun! And lastly, a picture of the snow somewhere along the 76 turnpike :)

My Travels...

It's crazy to think that in 48 hours i will be walking the streets of Paris. Did i mention that Paris is SNOWING?!.. its crazy. In about an hour i will be leaving for the airport which will take us to phoenix. From there we will take a flight to Philadelphia and stay the night their tonight. We will spend all day in Philly tomorrow and leave tomorrow night at ten for Paris. Hopefully i'll be able to sleep... i'm not a happy camper when i'm sleep deprived and jetlag sets in...I will be in Paris for 6 days and then i will be off to London. Christmas is Paris and New Years in London :)

Anyways, i will be blogging hopefully everyday from our trip posting pictures and stories. For those of you who asked for me to do this, i hope it brings you joy. :) And for those who will just stumble upon this blog, enjoy!

x

( Thats how english people end their letters, or so i've heard.)

raindrops

I absolutely love waking up to rain pattering on the ceiling. I love even more walking into the living room and our christmas lights are on, it's just so beautiful. Recently, i have been going on the right direction, i think. I'm thinking about my life and working on my relationship with Him. It's definitely been a challenge but i wont give up. step by step ill make my way through...

On a better note,

I'm leaving for europe next saturday! Crazy right? I could not be more excited. Christmas in Paris, New Years in London....i cant even believe it. There are many uncertainties on this trip but i'm hoping that God will help everything work through for the better. I pray that my mom will let me do some of the things i like to do aswell as her list of museums and such... I also pray that i wont be sick (I have a cold).

The only sad part... i will not be able to see my amazing boyfriend for two weeks! I spent Hanukkah with him last night and it was a bit bittersweet considering theres so many more holidays coming up and i wont be with him...

Oh, i'm also getting really into photography... My uncle has blessed me so much and done so much for me and he has gotten me two amazing cameras to take pictures with. i will post pictures soon.

Other than that, i'm loving life and trying to live in the present.

Moving forward in my frustration...

I am continuing to struggle with the Lord. I'm struggling in my faith, my hope, and my love in Him. I put him in a box and limit his abilities to work in my life. I don't want it to be this way, i am desparetely seeking change.

I've really been thinking more; i have been so inspired recently. I'm writing songs, taking pictures, and constantly thinking about how my life is affecting others. Am i on the right track?

Lord, wherever you are right now, im here. I love you and want you to come back in my life. I want you to be my reason for living. I'm tired of "making dew" with what the world has to offer. Deliver me, be my Saviour.

i want you, i just dont know how to.

-L

karma or kindness?

This morning i woke up with a headache only meaning one thing; coffee. i know it's terrible to have such an addiction at the age of 16 but whatever. I walk to the kitchen and ask my uncle if he made any coffee. He says that he just used the last of it. crap. but then something great happened. I guess my uncle remembered that i had boughten him starbucks last week when he wanted because he said "well lauren, i don't mind just running out to get you some, you did do the same for my last week." 

I guess it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was to me. When you show kindness, it comes back to you. When you put other people first and make sacrifices for them, they remember. 

I need to do this more. I am naturally very selfish, who isnt? but my selfishness bothers me like crazy. I need to serve more and love more and everything more.

before, seeking God was so easy for me, natural. Now though, He's making me work for it. I need to seek God more.

that's all.

Inspiration

I feel like this year i was going the normal thing. I was being a normal teenager. I started living for people, something i thought i would never do. I got caught up in drama and started caring about how people perceived me. I put my own well-being secondary. I stopped playing guitar and writing songs because of lost inspiration. I was always different but not i'm fading into the norm. but no more. i want to be passionate about my life. I want to be proud of what i do and accomplish. i want to accomplish the impossible. i want to be different just like how God made me to be.

I've come to a place where i am comfortable. Maybe thats not such a good thing but this is a good time for me to get back to how i used to be. I don't have a million best friends or invites to the best parties but i do have real good people in my life who have my best interest at heart, and that is where i am right now.

I believe in Jesus and his love

For the first two months of school i have noticed something lacking in me. Something that i knew was deep down in there but slowly slipping out. I am no longer excited about Jesus like i used to be. Im no longer that crazy girl who just doesn't care. I'm losing my spark. I'm losing myself. I feel like for awhile i was just stuck in my bubble and being a sophomore that i didn't have time to realize what was happening to me, until now. Today has been wonderful. I feel like i brokethrough myself, if that makes sense. I got so angry. I think this was supposed to happen. Sometimes God puts you through things that you simply don't understand, it's just how He works. Maybe he allowed this distance from him on purpose or maybe it was all on my own but either way, i ready to get back to Him. I'm ready to love again and not gossip. I'm ready to be "that girl". I'm ready to be the disciple. I miss you Paps.

Tonight i will be starting fresh. I;m gong to read through the New Testament. 2 chapters a day.

You are beautiful :)

Second Week of School.

Well, tomorrow will be the first day of my second week of school. Last week was a blur considering all we did was sign sylabus's and such. But more than that, its a blur because i had the flu. I was quite the pessimist about school last week so i was definitely looking forward to the three day weekend. Well, now the 3-day weekend is over. It was a good weekend. I hung out with some good friends. I'm really excited about this week to come though. Tonight i actually completed all my homework, set up the coffee pot, and uploaded some new tunes to my new ipod touch, wonderful. There's so many things in my life that i value and love, even if its little things. So i've decided to make a list.

Things I Love:

Coffee

Music (given)

Jesus

My Family

Fashion

Grass

The flower pot in my room

Traveling

Hippies

Rings

Dark nailpolish

Photography

Books that make you think

Movies that make you cry

Open windows at night

ROSE SALVE (that definitely deserves the caps)

Pennsylvania/newyork/sacramento (fave places ever)

sunglasses

the beach

slip and slides

there's many more considering i find joy in most of lifes little things. Maybe ill continue the list later.

x

fresh..

I recently taped a bunch of newly developed pictures on my new wall at my new residence i will be living at during the week (my dads house). Whenever i look at them i just laugh, smile, and cry; they are all of my adventures this summer. All the memories... the pooches...joseph... the beach... renting a boat.. sacramento... family... moving...new friends, new experiences... i just can't believe it's over. One week of summer left. It already feels like school considering i am procrasinating from doing marginalia on Grapes of Wrath right now...

Anyways, i could just cry. God is SOO GOOD. It sure does take a summer of sinning, experiencing, loving, forgiving, be-friending, to change a person. I am so thankful to where i am now. I have so much ahead of me. No more taking steps back, its my time now.

...I remember the very minute we got out of our last day of school, me and my best friend tasha took the bus to the beach. It was such a good way to start summer. We had a few goals for this summer, and a modo.

1. Talk to a random hot boy- yet to do

2. modo: just do it - i feel i have lived that out

and just learn and live...

i was so nervous for this summer to begin, i was scared of the uncertainty. but looking back, that was the best thing in the world for me.

So i leave you with this: Dont be afraid, live and love and laugh. Dont take life to seriously.

So here's to another year full of blessings.

Todays the day

I sucked it up and decided to walk to Coffee Bean to read Grapes of Wrath. Trying to read at home was way to distracting. It was so great, people coming in and out; running their own lives. It really help put things in perspective, my problems aren't the greatest you know? I think i'll go there everyday.

oh and i just got Zee Avi's album off itunes. tottally worth that 7 dollars.

the summer sun.

I was just reading my favorite author, Sarah Dessen's blog and decided that maybe its time for me to blog again. Woah, what a summer. Just looking back at everything, all the experiences, all the people, all the learning, it amazes me. And we still have a whole what like 25 days left?! It bums me out but maybe it would be bad for summer to go on forever. I always feel like your put through things for a reason and so they will help you out with future experiences. And thats always how i view my summers, even though this one has definitely been the most exciting. Come fall i will be moving into my dads house, kinda. I will stay there during the weeks and then be with my mom during the weekends. This has been such a hard decision and caused much turmoil but i know that it is for the better. I got a bracelet yesterday that has the word "courage" engraves in it, maybe that will help me. 

I've been trying to pursue God but sometimes it has been very confusing and even frustrating. I know that he is doing major things in my life right now, i just dont know what to do about i though. So i just keep praying that he will help me and show me how to get closer to him. 

I got my atm card to work yesterday, i thought that was kinda cool.

VVV

Someday i wake up as a child, other days a mature 15 year old. Sometimes i like to just sit and think but other times i like to keep my working brain busy. I always like to be active; either physically or emotionally. It's funny, recently i have been finding myself wanting to stay in the norm but then i realize that i am much more at home when i'm gone, escaping the complications of life. I get scared of time and space, but maybe thats all i need. I get scared of distance but then ruin relationships because of closeness. Exploring the thing your not used to in life is a great accomplishment i guess. I'm trying to do that. Exploring myself, the people around me, and the world that was created for us. 

I guess it's good that i'm learning to be a kid again.

Learning to fly...

This summer has been nothing short of amazing already! Honestly, i feel so blessed. I was so worried on how this summer would work out when everything seemed out of control but now i feel silly for worrying. God provides! He helps and comforts you, he's alive and he's in me! I am so stoked for the adventures to come this summer, i know i wont be dissapointed. I'm ready for You to work in me Lord, im ready to fly. :)

Summer without sun? No, it will come.

It's so funny not knowing. Or thinking you know but then when you least expect it, everything changes. I guess you need to learn to love that in life, because it happens. I thought i had my whole summer planned out; this amazing summer full of sun and love. But just as my summer starts, things change. I haven't felt like blogging in awhile because it frustrates me having to talk out my complications. But now, as complicated my life may be, i am happy. I am content in not knowing what will happen this summer. I'm completely content with just hanging out with my family some nights.

Im content with myself, i dont need constant reassurance from a boy. I don't need a consistent group of girls to talk about superficial stuff with. Im completely happy just having amazing talks with a best friend. Me and my guitar will have fun this summer. Me and my mom will have fun this summer. And i will have fun this summer. I'm going to learn alot and grow and im so stoked!

heresto a summer to remember.

j u s t d o i t .

R E A L :

Maybe its just the time of year when everything is crazy and everyone is annoyed, maybe its the the people that are changing, or maybe it's just people being completely superficial and fake. People say that high school changes people but we never see it in full effect until it happens to us. The people that we are "best friends" with start sweet talking you and then stab you in the back and you say "theeeeese are the people i've invested so much time in?!" And of course they don't care because they just wanna have fun and "live their life". It's just so dissapointing to me to see this change occur. 

I feel alone, but honestly, it's the best feeling. It's the type of alone that you know is making you stronger, you can feel it. And it's the alone that you know your actually not alone because God is on your side whispering his wisdom in your ear. I feel humbled but in control. I know what i want out of my life, i'm following the path God wants for me, and right now, thats all i need. I don't need a hundred fake friends, i only want true, sincere people that i can trust. 

Maybe i get involved in more drama because i say what i feel when i feel it. I'm an emotional based person who needs to know the truth. Maybe in the end i'll offend people and lose friends but at least i'm being true to myself and to others. Life is more than a party or high school. I have so much love in me and i'm not going to waste it, yet i will give it freely.

Just to clear one more thing. You may say that "being real" and "showing love freely" contradict themselves. I am certain they do not. You can be real and show love. Loving someone isn't being fake with them and being nice just to make people happy. Actually, i'm determined that thats the opposite of love. To love is to be real. Being real isn't supposed to bring people down, it's simply about being the truest you. Different opinions are good, don't be a copy.

For in the end, a person gets more hurt when she discovers she's been betrayed... the day after her "best friends" were her best friends.

life couldn't be better. im encouraged and excited for life. im living full of joy and love. and i am truly happy. i have amazing people in my life who bring me up to the best i can be. I can see growth in myself and how im starting to change for the better. I'm continually seeking God out to show me his will

d o n e

I have been thinking alot recently, so much has been going through my head and i dont know what to do with it. I have been feeling like in order to be a disciple for God i have to be perfect. I cant slip up. And so i try and try so hard not to be like everyone else but let me tell you, thats getting pretty darn tiring. I don't want to feel this way. I dont get why i do. Maybe it's in my head but i dont know. I just want to be able to enjoy my life and be able to screw up some times and learn from it. I mean even if i try i know i could never be perfect but just the fact that i feel like i have to try so hard scares me. Maybe i'm in a lie satans giving me, i just dont know. I'm to worried about being a good example that im losing myself. But Gods love will never fail me and i just need to realize that and be at peace with that. 

simply said

get past the drama, pettiness, and jealousy; i am happy.

<3

m a y

t h i r d.

look at us now

People say time heals all things. But with time, i get more frustrated. I'm tired of judging someone upon their potential and not who they actually are. I always end up dissapointed. Everything is so confusing and i don't know where my next step should be. I guess thats just life though, your not supposed to worry about your next step. Just go. Don't worry about the future, just focus on the present. Count your blessings and invest in those who deserve it. I want to show love to everyone but its so hard when someone hurts you so much. So much that you don't even know the effects of it until it actually hits. I wonder if its even gone into his mind, i wonder if he ever even cared. I wonder if he'll do anything to fix it. But, it doesn't matter, time keeps coming. I gotta get caught up with it.

:)

A Dream For Joy

for about two months now, i have been in a slump. i've been depressed, discontent, and irritated. I wasn't close with God or the people that meant the most to me. 

all i can say is that i am on the road to recovery. i am free, i feel free. i feel joyful, finally

:)

uncertainty can be a wonderful thing :)

This break has been nothing short of surprising. If i had to plan out how i thought it would go, my life would not fit. But, its an amazing thing. I could cry right now with how happy i am with how God is changing me. I am nothing like i was even just three months ago. I'm learning to just let go, let loose, and let live. After all those blogs about it, i'm FINALLY learning how to accept and love imperfectness, i knew i would :)  And last but not least, i'm learning to live in the moment, not worry about tomorrow. I learned that there will always be tomorrow and new possibilities, and that brings me so much peace. I'm learning that being depressed isn't always bad. Sometimes we need to go through terrible times, because that paves the way to our good times. Anger can be a good thing. Frustration is unavoidable; but when you make an effort to let go and just enjoy the ride, love will always come back into your life. So just hang on, get a good grip and don't let go, it too will pass :)

liven' in loveeee,

lo

used?

Sometimes people like to dissapear. I, also love to escape and not talk to anyone for awhile. It can be good to give yourself some distance between you and people you love; there's a boundary to that though. I don't like when someone dissapears and doesn't come back.  the feeling of being used. I'm a real easy girl to get along with and i can make friends fast, so recently people have been using that against me. They become buddy-buddy with me but once they find what their looking for or something better, they just wipe the dust from their feet and walk away...

is it my fault for letting them come close to me, or theirs for using me? 

So.. what do you do? bring it up to them? Well when i do that, i seem like the clingy fool when all i wanna do is have a friend. i hate how it either has to be black or white. best friends or nothing at all. can't everyone just all get along? I can give space, i need space a lot to. But where does it cross the line?

This break is for learning and progression. I'm going to come back refreshed and ready to finish the year off strong with the people that mean the most to me <3

overwhelmed with the future, caught in the now.

chocolate cake and milk is lovely. quite lovely. but you know what's more lovely? friday starts spring break and i'm more than ready to get away. i need it. Life down here has gotten to selfish and worldly. i need to take a step back and reflect. even though it will be sad not seeing anyone for ten days (except anyone who is willing to take me to the beach :) ... I'm going to vegas, home for three days and then Palm springs. it will be good. I'm going to try to run, alot. i never thought i would miss cross country but i really do. i'm going to pray even more, and journal, and blog, and write songs, and read, and just reflect. When break ends, back to work. I'm starting to record the first songs for my album soon (real recording). And the end of freshman year, wow, what a great year. I'm overwhelmed with the future, done with the past, onto something more... :)

real

Sometimes routine and life drains you down. It's totally gotten me down recently. Dealing with people's imperfections can be hard, but learning to deal with them and get through it is one of the best lessons i am finally learning. I am not as close with my best friend (Jesus) as i want to be. I've been so busy and i haven't been putting in the effort. It's also been hard with other various distractions. But at least i know it's not the best and i want to fix it right?

Also, i am so completely done with fakeness. If you want to have a fake friendship, save the drama for me and for you. I hate not knowing who to trust because i never know whose in it for the real friendship. Theres a few (very few) people that i love and trust and their the ones i'm going to stick with. So i'm sorry if i'm not making the biggest effort to be your friend, i just don't need the fakeness. I'm not judging anyone i'm just saying how i feel. Theres a difference between showing love to everyone and being fake with people. Theres good in everyone though, and thats what im trying to focus on. 

I'm learning to love imperfections more, Jesus more, and my true friends more. Thats all i have to say.

x

show me what i'm looking for

Sometimes we get so caught up in a moment we forget about what is going on around us. I want to do everything for others and be selfless. i want to give everything away. i want to make music. I don't know what's in my future, but thats the fun part. living minute by minute, not knowing the life i'm leading. Sometimes i get really frustrated with people. but i'm sure they also get very frustrated with me. sit. wait. wish.

Happiness is Contagious

Blessings are coming and coming and coming. When i look at how much has happened this past year already, i could cry. Recently, i've been noticing how much i love surprises (maybe because Ceejay is super amazing and has been surprising me...a lot) but never the less, i love them. And i've realized how many little surprises God gives us each and every day... like today. I was walking to the lady who cuts my hair and on my way, two senior girls from my school were like "Hey! its hot, we can give you a ride!" (Keep in mind i have never met these girls) and so they gave me a ride to the house. How cool is that? i thought to myself... you know, when i can drive, im going to do that for someone because that was really sweet. It really shows how God gives us little "pick me up's" and surprises and also how happiness is contagious. it really is. so heres my challenge, do something nice, spread the love, and love the One who deserves it most :)

-im sorry if that made no sense. ive not been making sense lately.

Change

The things in my life are flying by. People are changing, priority's are changing, government is changing, and I am changing. I guess after awhile, we get sick of things, so we change them. This could be for the better or for worse. 

Recently, i've been on a crazy ride. This year, i have transformed. I'm no longer who i was and i am so happy about that. I'm leaving the past behind and fully putting all my energy into recovering and the future. Sometimes things just have to be gray. I won't always know everything and i need to learn to deal with that. My upbringing won't stop that. I'm determined. 

I need a family, a real one. One thats there for each other and loves each other. And now, i finally am taking a step to get it. I have the best Jesus in the world. I have the best dad in the world. I have the best siblings. i have the people who take the role of a mom. and i am content. I don't need a "group" anymore. Groups only try to make certainty out of uncertainty, it's for the insecure. I have friends and i have a boyfriend and i have my Jesus. Thats all i need, honestly. And lastly, i have my music. That puts all this craziness into one. It's the one thing that keeps me sain. It's my passion and i don't want to ever stop. 

I've become confident. I've learned to accept my ignorance and my selfishness and learn from it; i'm striving to overcome it with an amazing God who is helping me. I can't change my position or what i was born into or that i'm short or anything. It's how its meant to be. And i'm learning to accept that. Learning to be content is the best lesson i will ever learn. Or so i heard.

i don't mean to offend anyone. i hope whoever reads this will just accept my bluntness. Its all i have to offer. 

Fearless

I haven't posted in awhile. Life has been full of highs and lows recently. Everything is changing. It interesting how things are working out. The hand of God is among us, completely. I've realized how in a lot of cases i "talk the talk" but don't "walk the walk". I really need to work on that. Recently, i've been getting caught up in the complications of life when i used to be so eager to look at the simpleness of it. I'm making progress though, i can see it. My dreams have faded away into Gods dreams. My heart is yearning for Him now. In the midst of this mess He is also showing my blessings. He's proved to me that if you get past your prejudices you can find something beautiful. I have. 

I'm excited for my life. Excited for the future. Sometimes i don't feel ready to move on, but life wont wait for me. Time is just time and life is just life but love is love and God is God and those things cannot be taken away from us...

So this is my goal for the week: I'm going in fearlessly. I'm going to live and love and see where it goes. I don't know what's going to happen tonight or tomorrow or in a year but God knows and i know he's smiling at the change and my future. So i will too; Fearlessly. 

The Soul Keeps No Time

"When one door closes, another one opens." I Truly believe in that. I love my life. I know the difficulties going on right now will no longer matter, confusion becomes uncertainty, and uncertainty is good. or so Jesus says. I miss my best friend. Stupid phone stealers. I love my new friends. and the new amazing people i'm meeting. "The soul keeps no time". Thats another one of my quotes thats constantly in my head. I have had friends that i have known for years but we still don't have the same connection that i have with a new friend that i've known for weeks. To some people i'm disapeering and to some im always with, in person or in heart. Either way, i'm not controlling it. Whatever happens, happens. I'm done doing things to make people happy. I will love everyone but i cant be best friends with everyone. That is my heart right now. 

<33

and finally. my life quote at the moment vv

"Sometimes the best things are the ones right in front of you"

life is beautifully complicated

Sometimes when someone doesn't give me the answer i expect or want i go crazy. I don't understand why or what i did wrong or what's going on in their head. i'm not good with patience. Not at all. My life is either do or die, and maybe thats a bad thing. Maybe i should just live. Because no matter how bad i wish things would change, they wont until they do. And i can't make them change any faster. So i just have to live. 

I Praise HIM in this storm

I don't really know what's going on here. The only thing i DO know is that God is in complete control and he's taking me on this insane ride right now for a reason. Giving up everything for God is tough. I've lost friends, become depressed, and spiritually discontent, all for a good reason though. I have not felt so much joy in my heart in a very long time (JOY not HAPPINESS) This week has been crazy. It's uncountable how many tears i've cried. Im searching, trying to find what God wants me to do, his plan. 

Another thing i have learned this week is how much people come together in tragedy. It doesn't have to be a huge tragedy like 9-11, it can be a small tragedy, but still people come together. Sometimes i wonder how many people would actually be there for me if something happened, and now i have a better understanding of it. If someone is real, no matter how well i know them, they will be there. But then we also have the people that i know very well and i thought i was close with and they weren't there. It's sad, but its reality. 

Someone recently told me that freshmen year is when all your fake friends weed out.  This is completely true and maybe this is part of my frustration towards life right now. Things are changing so rapidly. People are changing. Life is changing. I am changing. But God isn't. maybe thats why he's my best friend. God is there for the broken hearted. I know he is. Even if you can't feel Him, He is there. 

Lets rise above human faults and tragedy's. Lets come together and be real. for HIM.

the day i bought the Sufjan Stevens album, it all comes out...

When something good hits, i try to get ahead of myself. Figure it out, so it will get better. I try to keep it going, like i have no faith in God whatsoever. I lose site in things and when i realize it, it can actually be quite funny. (when you see me in my room laughing at myself, that could be why. it happens.)

 It's so freeing to know that you don't have to have it all together. You don't need to know the formula of how love happens or of how to get a boyfriend or a best friend. You don't need to know at what exact minute your going to call... or anything. I cant just sit. How cool! Things will happen when they are supposed to happen and when they don't happen it means they aren't supposed too. When something good comes along but then fades away, something better will come. And if your tired of waiting, keep waiting. It will be worth waiting for. And when something good does come along and stays there, keep it. Hold on to it, give it time and positive energy. Don't be like me and put up a stubborn wall (a good reason why i ruin a lot of good things.) Give it a little faith, and if it works, great! If it doesn't, keep waiting. You go through everything for a reason and sometimes going through heartbreak after heartbreak and boy after boy gets frusterating and confusing. (Well actually, all the time it does.)  All i can say is that i KNOW God has a plan. And it's not to make you feel sad and lonely. Gods plan will always prevail. That that is very comforting to me.

^^^ i've noticed that when i write blogs, or songs, or poems or anything i always use the term "you" like i'm talking to someone but in reality i'm just talking to myself. I deal with all of this. This isn't a therapy apointment for someone else. 

lots and lots of lovvinnngg :)

were all in this together

i love love. especially when its given from God. I love blessings. especially when its given from God. I love sunny days and a cool breeze. i love phone dates and best friends. i love getting out of school at 12:15. Im loving jack johnson at this moment; and owl city. I love life. And most of all, i love when we realize how small we are and once we get past our complications we are simple one bodied human beings. Were all here together, to be with each other. I love just living day by day and constantly i need to be reminded not to get stressed on the future. I always seem to do that. One of the best things that has happened to me this year has been joining the worship band at Calvary. I have met so many amazing people from it. I have learned so much and it has helped me with my voice. God totally has a plan. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!  i wish people could just understand my happiness and not think im fake. I'm just a girl trying to live a simple life and not get caught up in things that dont matter. I have the love of Jesus in me and its the most amazing and freeing feeling in the world. I just wanna love love love love and laugh and dance, lots of dancing. 

:)

simple as it should be

I truly think that instead of reading this right now, you should go outside and listen to the birds. They make me laugh, their music is so peaceful and wonderful. I hope i go to the beach today. I need it. Oh, how i love my life. 

thats all for now. I needed to write a blog but i didnt know what i would say so i guess this is all i got. 

OH and if you have any clothes you would like to get rid of, please tell me. I am going to the OC rescue mission next friday to give them clothes and hygiene stufff.

love you.

im coming back!

hiii anyone who reads my blog. which is probably no one. im coming back to blogger! its so much easier and better to use and stupid wordpress wont let me sign in. i havent blogged in about a month and i miss it alot. i feel like im a completely different person now which is amazing. im not the girl that i was in september, starting highschool, a bestfriend, and a good student. now i am hating school, loving jesus, and a terrible student. but honestly im happier now than ever and i know that God is directing my on the right path. Life is bad, but God is good and he will make your life amazing if you just let him.

last night i had an amazing night with a good friend. we sat and talked for three hours in a freezing park. we looked at the sky and dreamed of how the world should be. we laughed and almot cried together. it was how things are supposed to be. simple simple simple.

loving Jesus loving life loving YOU.