bugz

do you know what really bugs me? when girls make themselves TOO available. when they try to hard and it just keeps getting them hurt. it just like whhaat are you doing? are you oblivious to the fact that you are freaking him out? ive played the game quite a few times now and i am positive that a girl who acts like that wont come out of it very happy. play the game girls. 

on a less secular note..

today was a terrible day for uncountable reasons. things are always going to be good. sometimes bad things are bound to happen. its okay to cry, to be gloomy, to want to be a vegetable... to an extent. im learning to wear my emotions on my sleeve. i want to be real and people to see who i really am. but i need to be proactive. tommorrow will be a better day... maybe thats not so convincing but theres not very much else you can say to encourage yourself.

thats all.

filling my cup...

at the end of the day. the only one thats really there is God. wow how stupid would this life be without him. i'd probably kill myself by now. when you feel discouraged, hurt, discontent, hopeless.. let God guide your life. let him take the reigns and save you from all of that. you are his child and he wants to take care of you, let him. if your impatient, call on him. he'll be there, seriously. 

hey God,

i feel like my calling is somewhere in missions and charities, God lead the way and let me know where im supposed to go. take my impatient soul and calm it and fill it with your love and peace. show me that you love me and that im going on the right path, patiently teach me when im not. help me become the girl and women you want me to be. im not living on this Earth except you, help me live it.

forever yours, Lauren

i have no reason to feel discontent. yet, i still do. nothings perfect, get over it. why does is seem like every blog i write have to deal with imperfectness? why do i keep searching for iT!!! i feel to impatient to blog but i have to get things out somehow. wait. wait. wait.....

i really hate not knowing things. dont you wish you could just read someones mind??????

God may say wait, but he never says worry. 

from the inside out

hosanna. dont you love that song? dont you love the beauty of worship? ah i love it. i swear, i do not deserve this.  dont deserve Gods uncountable blessings. they just keep on coming and i'm so flabergasted and excited. last night i got asked to sing worship with Matt for the highschool group. i guess the other girl is not going to be able to do it anymore and he asked if i would like to take her spot! 

... just this week i have been super busy and doubting my music.. this was like Gods wake up call to me to not give up something that i truly love. im do excited to do worship every week.. its gonna be such another great adventure :)

im going to be late for school..

:D!

Humility

today i woke up refreshed and excited. i was excited to do well and finish my last cross country meet. this whole week i did very well and ran so much and today i knew it would be a good race. in the warm up i felt light on my toes and i didnt get tired and when we stretched, i streched every muscle thouroughly. i got mentally prepared for the face, focused, prayed with my team, and then we were off. 

i was doing so well for the first part of it. all of the faster girls were staying close to each other which made it more encouraging. the first hill was a breeze and i just worked on keeping a steady pace and steady breathing...

in my second mile, out of no where there was a jab in my ribs. it was like someone stuck a knife through it. i froze up. i couldn't move or breathe or anything. i had no idea what to do. i though how could i finish this race? i knew i couldn't give up yet though, i thought maybe it would just wear off if i kept running. so as slow as a snail, i trudged along and it didn't get better. it got so bad that i nearly collapsed. i thought i had broken my ribs. i saw one of the JV coaches up ahead so i went to her and tried to whisper out that i could barely breathe or talk. she encouraged me to continue and try to finish the race

everyone started passing me. i was sure that everyone i was running up against earlier had already finished. i was last in line trudging along and full of tears. i didnt get it. why does this one race has to be the bad one? why wouldn't my ribs stop hurting? it kept getting worse and worse. i was now going the speed of a slow walker, in running form. it was terrible and i was humiliated. everyone from all different highschools was cheering me on. i jsut wanted to scream at them "im a good runner, im supposed to be infront if them, just shut up!" but instead my eyes just kept filling with tears and i kept going. 

it was getting even worse. i knew that there was no way i could finish the race. whatever was wrong with me did not want me to run and i was just making it worse. i could barely see anything and i was hobbling. i knew that my coach would be up ahead and so i kept going until i saw her. 

i went up to her and stuttered what was happeneing to me. i told her that i was sorry but i couldnt finish the race.. so we walked to the finish line. she told me to take deep breaths and it worked.. in about 20 minutes my ribcage had loosened up. i though, was still not fixed.

i was so upset, frusterated and humiliated. this was supposed to be my best race. i was supposed to beat me score, get congratulated by my mom and then feel like a million bucks, but thats not what happened. 

im ususally the one that finishes early and then cheers for the slower people coming in. now, that was me, i was the slower person. i cant always be the fast girl. i cant always be the winner. this was so humbling because im so used to being good at what i do. and i dont mean that in a vain way but im just naturally athletic. in this situation though i had to go through what it was like for someone who isnt as athletically blessed as i am.

i dont think ive learned exactly what God wanted me to learn from this yet. i know i will sometime though. im still frusterated with myself but i know it will all work out...

theres my thoughts for today.

i hate complications. i just want everything to be perfect. i need to come to the realization that im living on EARTH. im so excited for life is unbelieveable. tommorrow is hopefully going to be amazing if there is no complications. what the heck am i saying. im like telling God that i will only have a good day if he does everything perfect! okay no, im going to stop. im going to not worry about the future and just wait and see how everything goes. i just need to pass my vocab test...

thoughts of 10-13-08 at 7:04 pm

i feel like i am learning and loving so much more these days. it's seem to all be coming together and sometimes that scares me. i had a really rough two years and now that things seem to be going right im scared that there bound to go wrong. i'm so used to everything working out wrong that i give up before i give something the chance to work out right. i'm becoming much more wiser then to do that, to give up. i'm determined not to. i'm so excited about so many things. im loving the company and family thats surrounding me right now. my great grandma is in town. she just sits all day and does things like 'her exercises" and my laundry. she hits and watches the sun and clouds. she is content. sometimes i envy that but then i realize that if i was idle and did nothing all day, everyday then i would go crazy. but see thats the beauty of it. she is content. she has lived a good life full of adventures and business. she now enjoys sitting and thinking and talking and living. what a simple concept. i wish we could all be content to easily...

our society depends on material items, people, entertainment, and for me, emotions to make them happy. when really we should depend on no one but God. he is the one that were looking for. he is the one that gives you joy in little things. he is the one that makes us content with little things. i want to be like that.. i want to simplify.

"The biggest thing ive learned in life is contentment. i dont need anything else in life. i am happy with whatever or wherever i am and i hope you can learn that someday..."

- Grandma Winnie

<3

love and learning

im learning and realizing so many new things recently. this makes me comes to the realization that im so lagnarent! or for those who aren't familiar with my language im "wisdomly unaware" im confusing hurt and heartache with love. how is that possible? well it is.  I've realized that in past relationships that didn't mean much to me, i ended up losing them because i didnt try. and it wasn't like i was purposefully trying not to try it just was that i didn't care. they weren't that important to me. i always thought that i didn't try because i was hurt and i was scared of getting hurt again and now i'm realizing that that is not the reason at all. meeting someone who is worth trying for made me realize that i wanted to try, i wanted this to work. i cared. it's crazy how God can not only turn bad things into good but he can also turn great things into a learning expierience also. i have realized so much in the last week and i am so greatful to my amazing God.  im so excited to see where this year is headed...

on a more shallow note... i got asked to homecoming! im very excited and knowing me, i already have my dress :) also, im going to palm springs tommorrow with my good handfull of friends that im SO excited about. we need some relaxation and girl time. i feel so blessed that God has made my friends situation, the best situation possible. my Calvary friends are getting along with my former hewes friends (now there all combined into one foothill group)  and i think its the best thing ever. im so excited for us all to be able to bond and have some fun in the sun....

loving loving loving loving :)))

everything is meaninglesss

i love ecclesiastes. i don't think i can even express my thank you's enough to whoever wrote that amazing book. it has taught me so much. it has opened up my mind and showed me how i was so lagnarent (my new word)...

God wants us to have love, he wants us to be happy in this short life of ours. He's not some huge king who says you have to only be with me all the time to be a good christian. he wants us to have friends, family, love. he's happy for you. this is such a simple concept but it means so much to me. its like how could i not have known this??!

i've spent alot of time healing and trying to find myself and learn to love God more. and i feel like ive come along way. im here and im happy with myself. i feel so blessed to be given this life.  i know that there will always be more pain and more suffering but for right now, i need to live for the moment and live in my peace and happiness.

time is so short, before you know it we'll all grow old and die. so we need to live this meaningless life right. if our life is meaningless then why do we spend so much time doing things that dont matter? its crazy. thats all i can say. i wanna hear your thoughts on this...

"Be happy young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you jot in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever you see, but know that for all these things God will bring you judgement. So then banish anxiety from you heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless."

Ecclesiastes 11 9-10

<3

day zero

tonight was so much fun. it was like the start of all the fun that highschool will bring :) day zero. it was a good girls night out and then we met up with our guy friends which was fun. they had like everything there no joke. henna artist, photobooth, soo much candy, a band, a bunch of games and like waay much more. this weekend is gonna be soo much fun. tommorrow were going to tillers and hopefully meeting up with alot of people. i love how when your young you just get to go out and have fun. i was thinking about it today and i've realized that my mom has no fun. her friday nights consist of making macaroni and cheese and hanging out with my brothers. she has no fun anymore. so im determined that while im young, im gonna have the time of my life :)))))

people and situations

sometimes this just happen in bad timing. its not like your purposefully mean things to turn out bad but just sometimes not everyone can be happy. this year i promised myself that i wasn't going to settle and i intend to keep to that. 

sometimes i find myself getting into the habits and into doing what everybody else is doing that and i hate that. its human nature for us to get into earthly ways but why? i don't wanna be a robot, why do you?

like coffee. i have been making coffee everyday recently but today i decided ehhh lets try some tea. we need options, we cant be tied down to anything. 

music always stays the same though. Joshua Radin is my new favorite... his songs are so smooth and wonderful..

"i need to be old and jump into the cold water"

"i'd rather be with you, say you want the same thing too"

ahh yes :)

well this was my early morning blog, im off o drink more tea, get ready and head off to 0 period. 

be real be authentic be true be YOU